You've journaled, meditated, gone to therapy, burned sage, and read every Brené Brown book. And yet… you still feel like you're "not quite ready" to take the next step. What if that's not healing anymore it's hiding?
The Trap
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Kunst notes that "psychological growth requires action, not just insight." Yet in the era of viral therapy speak, self work has become performative and perpetual. Too much inner work can lead to what's called rumination fatigue. Nolen Hoeksema defines rumination as a response style characterized by "repetitively focusing on the fact that one is depressed; on one's symptoms of depression; and on the causes, meanings, and consequences of depressive symptoms," where self analysis becomes counterproductive, leading to decision paralysis and identity entrapment. Chronic self focus and rumination were linked to higher levels of depression and anxiety.
Prochaska's Transtheoretical Model of Change: Growth requires transitioning from contemplation to action, something many skip in self help cycles, outlines six key stages individuals move through when working toward behavioral change:
1. Precontemplation
- Mindset: "I don't have a problem."
- Behavior: Not considering change. May be unaware or in denial about the need to change.
- Common in self help cycles: Defensive phase, often masked as "I'm fine the way I am."
2. Contemplation
- Mindset: "Maybe I should change."
- Behavior: Aware of the issue, weighing pros and cons, stuck in overthinking.
- Common trap: This is where endless healing often stalls progress lots of insight, no movement.
3. Preparation
- Mindset: "I'm getting ready to change."
- Behavior: Making small steps gathering tools, setting goals, planning.
- Pitfall: Can feel productive without action planning becomes procrastination.
4. Action
- Mindset: "I'm doing it."
- Behavior: Concrete, visible behavior changes.
- Growth happens here: This is where healing integrates into real life.
5. Maintenance
- Mindset: "I've changed, I need to sustain it."
- Behavior: Reinforcing new habits, preventing relapse.
- Challenge: Requires accountability and support systems.
6. Termination (or Transformation)
- Mindset: "This is just who I am now."
- Behavior: The change is fully integrated, no longer requires effort to maintain.
- Reality: Rarely achieved; many cycle between earlier stages.
Many people get stuck cycling between Contemplation and Preparation where healing and "working on oneself" happens without real life application.
Theories That Explain the Trap
1. The Illusion of Progress (Cognitive Bias)
Consuming self help gives the feeling of growth without tangible outcomes. You feel busy, but nothing changes.
2. Liminal Space Psychology
Staying in a constant "healing phase" is a safe limbo where risk, failure, and exposure are delayed indefinitely.
3. Learned Helplessness (Seligman, 1975)
After constant focus on "fixing yourself," some begin to believe they're perpetually broken and resistant to action.
From Healing to Building: Actionable Shifts
1. Move from "Why am I like this?" to "What am I going to do with this?"
You don't need perfect clarity to take the next step just direction.
2. Time block action, not reflection
Schedule creation time like workouts: start the blog, launch the idea, make the call.
3. Use the 85% Rule
You don't need to feel 100% ready. High performers like Olympic athletes often operate at 85% and still win.
4. Replace loops with launches
Instead of another journal prompt, ask: What would the future version of me build today?
5. Embrace identity evolution
Let go of the "wounded one" identity. Make room for the "builder," "artist," "leader," or "doer."
Healing is Half of the Story
You don't need to be fully healed to begin.
You just need to believe that doing can be a form of healing too.
Because sometimes, the most radical form of self help is creation.